The One You Left Behind

​Dear You,

​This is my letter to explain just how much I love you. It has been endless waiting, wishing every day that you would walk through that door and take me back into the warmth of our home. Yet, I am afraid it is not going to happen. I do not understand the events that followed, but the one thing I know is that my time is running out. I'm scared, and I miss you far more than words can say.

​Do you remember the day you brought me home? I do. You smiled so wide, and your hands were so soft, holding me to your chest. I was scared, but you made me feel safe. I didn't know much about the world then, but one thing I knew for sure: I wanted to be good for you. I wanted to be that dog you always wanted. But I wasn't, was I? I feel that somewhere along the line, I let you down.

​Was it when I chewed up one of your favorite shoes? To this very day, I don't know why I did it. I was just a puppy, and the whole house smelled of you. Those shoes were special; they carried your scent more than the others. Somehow, I just thought if I had them, I could feel closer to you when you were gone. I didn't think for one moment that it would hurt you. I never knew you would get that mad. I couldn't understand why your voice changed or why your hands—which used to caress me with such tenderness—rose to strike.

​I remember it today as though it happened yesterday. The first time you hit me, I still didn't know what I did wrong; I only knew that I was bad in your eyes. Then came the fear in my heart.

​It wasn't fear of you, but fear of what I might do next to disappoint you. You must have loved me, yes? Or was I wrong? Could it be that you only loved me when I was faultless? If I hadn't chewed those shoes, would you have hit me?

​Shouldn't I be safe in that warm place beside you, instead of lost in this cold, empty space?

​There were plenty of other occurrences. When I had accidents because I couldn't hold it in. I tried; I really did. I know it upset you, but sometimes I just couldn't make it outside in time. And I remember your face when you found the mess.

​Your eyes went dark, and your voice cut through me with an edge I didn't know existed. I couldn't justify myself; I just wanted your forgiveness. But it never came: just screaming and screaming, hitting and hiding. Yet you would always find me. I was scared every time you got angry, and all I wanted was your love.

​Do you ever think of those days? Of the fear I felt? Of the confusion as to why you were angry? I was just a dog, trying to work out in my little head how to be what you wanted.

​Did you know that with every strike, I kept asking myself: What could I have done to lose your love? Or was it lost long before then?

​I could hardly find my courage the day you brought me to this shelter. I tried not to show you the fear in my eyes, thinking somehow that if I acted like a good boy—if I didn't show you I was scared—you would change your mind.

​I couldn't understand why you were doing this to me, but something in your face told me it was over. I saw it in the way you never looked back as you walked away. You didn't even hear me crying out after you. I cried my eyes out, my throat in agony, hoping somehow you would hear me and come back to take me home. You never did.

​Do I ever cross your mind? Did you ever wonder what happened to me when you walked away? Or am I but a memory now, tucked away, one you'd rather forget?

​Ah, I fear that my time is truly running out. I hear them talking around me, saying, "No more time" and "He hasn't been adopted." I think I know what that means now. I think it means they will be putting me to sleep soon. That's what they do with dogs nobody wants.

​I wonder if you realize that, or if you think I've found a new, better family like I always hoped I would. But nobody ever came. Nobody ever came.

​Sometimes, I feel that if only it hadn't been for those mistakes, everything might have gone the other way. Perhaps if I hadn't chewed up your shoes, or if those 'accidents' never happened... Would you have kept me?

​Would you have loved me longer had I been perfect? I realize now that I was never perfect, but I tried. I tried so hard to be what you needed. I only wanted to make you happy, and it feels like I fell short in the end.

​Can you even fathom how that burns? To think I wasn't even worth the effort? To wonder if maybe you decided I was too damaged, too much work, and that's why you left me behind?

​It chokes the breath out of me, and I refuse to accept it. I have to believe that somewhere in your heart, you loved me. But if you did love me, why didn't you return for me?

​I always think about our house, where I thought I would be when I got old. Do you still live there? Is the chair by the window, where I used to lie sleeping next to you, still there? Do you ever look down to see if I'm waiting for a nuzzle, for some small crumb of love from you?

​Maybe you have found another dog, better than me, one that doesn't make the mistakes I once did. Would you be looking for me had you known what happened? Are you happy now that I'm gone, without the burden? Did you ever wonder?

​If I could speak, I'd say, "I forgive you." And I do forgive you for leaving, and for all those moments you hurt me. Because through it all, my love did not falter.

​I still love you. And now, tonight, crouched in this chilled, empty room, waiting to die, my head is still filled with you.

​Farewell.

​Always yours,

​The one you left behind.