Damn Ellis, this is phenomenal. I was engrossed the entire way. I basically am a whale now. Iām one of the three. I live in the ocean. Can they just leave my family alone?? So good. šš»š
I known that all of English is arbitrary in terms of a whale POV, but it's still surreal to hear words like "organizational behavior" or "acoustic signature" spoken by a creature.
I've been thinking about this one, and I want to give you honest feedback since you asked for it on the first two chapters, and I messed that up with confusing one chapter from another piece. (Damn my wonky brain).
The pursuit structure is strong - the mounting tension, the pod splitting, the breach and ramming sequence all work - this last sequence was brilliant btw. But I'm finding the narrative voice pulls me out at times. The whale consciousness sometimes feels analytical rather than embodied - phrases like 'we observed the sharks circling, striking, and eating' read more like nature documentary than lived experience.
The time markers ('forty days,' 'seventy days') also feel human rather than whale. Would they track time that way, or would it be tidal cycles, moon phases, temperature changes?
The strongest moments are when we're in the body - the pain of the harpoon, the physics of the breach, the impact. When the prose gets technical or explanatory about whale behavior, it creates distance.
This is a genuinely difficult challenge - inhabiting truly alien consciousness while keeping it readable. I think you're wrestling with the right problems.
Thank you very much, Gary. Yes, it is a challenge, and I'm trying to live up to it.
The feedback is very useful, I am grateful. I guess, a little bit of editing is in order, and I will do it within a day or so.
I am working alone in this, and any feedback is appreciated. This is exactly what I expect Substack to be - a collective of assistance from fellow authors.
The restraint in showing extinction unfolding through policy, physics, and probability makes the violence far more disturbing than if it were emotionally inflated. This series has made me attuned to writing where catastrophe is shown through structure rather than through sentiment, and this is something rare, Ellis! Wow.
Thank you, Ellis. I hate to sound like a literary critic, but is it a good thing if my comment comes out very literary? I hope it still encourages you to keep going, even if I sound a bit too literary in my responses.
How did you get this idea? How do you write like a whale?
Damn Ellis, this is phenomenal. I was engrossed the entire way. I basically am a whale now. Iām one of the three. I live in the ocean. Can they just leave my family alone?? So good. šš»š
I known that all of English is arbitrary in terms of a whale POV, but it's still surreal to hear words like "organizational behavior" or "acoustic signature" spoken by a creature.
I've been thinking about this one, and I want to give you honest feedback since you asked for it on the first two chapters, and I messed that up with confusing one chapter from another piece. (Damn my wonky brain).
The pursuit structure is strong - the mounting tension, the pod splitting, the breach and ramming sequence all work - this last sequence was brilliant btw. But I'm finding the narrative voice pulls me out at times. The whale consciousness sometimes feels analytical rather than embodied - phrases like 'we observed the sharks circling, striking, and eating' read more like nature documentary than lived experience.
The time markers ('forty days,' 'seventy days') also feel human rather than whale. Would they track time that way, or would it be tidal cycles, moon phases, temperature changes?
The strongest moments are when we're in the body - the pain of the harpoon, the physics of the breach, the impact. When the prose gets technical or explanatory about whale behavior, it creates distance.
This is a genuinely difficult challenge - inhabiting truly alien consciousness while keeping it readable. I think you're wrestling with the right problems.
I really do respect what you are doing here.
Thank you very much, Gary. Yes, it is a challenge, and I'm trying to live up to it.
The feedback is very useful, I am grateful. I guess, a little bit of editing is in order, and I will do it within a day or so.
I am working alone in this, and any feedback is appreciated. This is exactly what I expect Substack to be - a collective of assistance from fellow authors.
Thank you once again.
My pleasure.
The restraint in showing extinction unfolding through policy, physics, and probability makes the violence far more disturbing than if it were emotionally inflated. This series has made me attuned to writing where catastrophe is shown through structure rather than through sentiment, and this is something rare, Ellis! Wow.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Victoria. Or should I say "from the bottom of the ocean."
Your insights are extremely valuable to me, I am eagerly waiting to receive your comment after every post.
Every time you write something, it's... very...literary.
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Thank you, Ellis. I hate to sound like a literary critic, but is it a good thing if my comment comes out very literary? I hope it still encourages you to keep going, even if I sound a bit too literary in my responses.
Such a fascinating story! Iām curious about the kind of research you did to bring this to life! It feels both natural and scientific!
No research was needed into the unexplainable cruelty of humans.
The rest is empathy and fiction.
Thank you for reading!
Anytime! One day maybe I too can learn to speak whale <3